5 Ways to Recognise and Respond to Coercive Behaviour

*This is a collaborative guest post

According to the Institute of Health and Welfare, “Coercive control can be understood as a commonly occurring foundation for family and domestic violence.”

Coercive behaviour often begins without you realising and can manifest in small moments that are easy to overlook. However, over time, these moments can develop into a distinct pattern that eventually influences how you feel, how you make decisions, and even how safe you feel in your own home or in your relationships.

Many people sense that something is wrong long before they have the words to describe it. If this is something you can relate to, this guide is here to help.

In it, we offer gentle support and practical steps to help you recognise what’s happening and respond in a way that feels safe. Every person deserves to feel calm, respected, and free in their daily life. That also means you.

What Is Coercive Behaviour?

Coercive behaviour involves repeated actions that pressure, control, or intimidate another person. It can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces, or within families. Psychological abuse often sits at the centre of these patterns. While it rarely looks dramatic, it often develops through emotional manipulation or ongoing pressure that makes you doubt yourself.

Behaviours like gaslighting and intimidation can be used to unsettle someone or affect their confidence. This can lead many people to second-guess their choices or adjust their behaviour to avoid certain reactions.

It is essential to recognise that coercion operates through repetition. Therefore, understanding it as being part of a pattern, rather than a single moment, can be a helpful first step to countering it.

Common Signs of Coercive or Controlling Behaviour

Coercive or controlling behaviour can manifest itself in several different ways. Most of which are usually gradual.

For instance, emotional red flags can be subtle at first. You may encounter minor criticisms that seem unfair or confusing. You may also be made to feel guilty for expressing your needs or told that your feelings are wrong. In some circumstances, you may even start to notice emotional manipulation tactics in everyday disagreements. Collectively, these experiences can leave you feeling unsure of yourself.

Some people begin to feel as though they are being constantly watched or monitored. They might even have their devices, messages, or movements questioned in ways that feel intrusive. A person may also be expected to provide constant updates or risk upsetting someone if they spend time with other people. Such behaviours can result in increased isolation and your world becoming smaller, without you noticing how it happened.

Typically, coercive control warning signs also include behaviour that limits independence. This may involve discouraging you from seeing friends or family, questioning how you spend money, or creating pressure around clothing, hobbies, or routines. Over time, these restrictions start to shape the way you live. 

These experiences should all be viewed as potential red flags. So, it is important to recognise them early.

How Coercive Behaviour Affects Your Wellbeing

The effects of coercive behaviour can reach every part of daily life. Many people who have experienced it have described themselves as constantly feeling tired, stressed, or overwhelmed. You may also feel like you are always walking on eggshells and lose confidence or trust in your own thoughts. Certain psychological abuse patterns can also leave you feeling isolated or disconnected from yourself.

At the same time, your sleep patterns, appetite, and concentration may all change. You may find yourself withdrawing from social activities because the ramifications of doing so feel too hard to navigate. You may even worry about a person’s reactions to everything you do. 

Over time, these experiences can build up until they take a toll on your emotional well-being. Knowing that these feelings are common can help you make sense of what is happening.

5 Practical Ways to Respond to Coercive Behaviour Safely

So, if you suspect you are being subjected to coercive behaviour, how can you respond safely to it?

Here are five tactics you can employ.

1. Seek professional help

The best course of action is to seek professional help. Amongst anything else, they can give you clear guidance and non-judgmental and unwavering support.

It is a good idea to call 1800 Respect (1800 737 732), which is the White Ribbon Australia Domestic Violence Hotline. You can do this confidentially. There are also specific numbers that children, elderly people, men and women can call for more specialised support.

Alternatively, you might find it useful to call Astor Legal DV lawyers or another similar legal firm that can advise you of your rights and help you establish legal protections, such as a restraining order or protection orders. GPs, hospitals or counsellors can also provide you with much-needed support and assistance.

2. Trust your instincts

Before seeking help from a professional, it is essential to trust your instincts. If something feels off, it often is. So, take it as a wake-up call and acknowledge it’s time for action.

3. Catalogue events 

If you feel that you are being coercively controlled, a smart thing to do is to catalogue the events.

By recording details of what has happened and when, you may start to see things more clearly and recognise a pattern. It can also support you if you choose to seek professional guidance.

A good way to record these events is via a Google Doc, which you can store online via the cloud. If you do this, there won’t be a paper copy for anyone to find, and you’ll be able to access this document from anywhere with an internet connection. It may also be useful to screenshot and keep copies of abusive messages, and also save them to the cloud.

4. Create boundaries 

This may not be easy to do, but where possible, try to establish boundaries. This can include keeping certain information private or preserving time for yourself.

When you express a boundary, you are reminding yourself of your own needs and values. These boundaries do not have to be confrontational. But they can be quiet reminders that your mental and physical well-being is important, especially if you are supporting others. They also give you time and a space to process what is happening.

5. Plan an exit strategy

While you may not want this to happen, it is essential to have an exit strategy in place, should the situation deteriorate significantly and you need to remove yourself from it immediately.

This can involve knowing where you will go immediately, i.e. a trusted friend or relative, having some money stored away to fund it (for instance, in a Wise or PayPal account), and even being able to access a new mobile phone for which no one knows the number.

Hopefully, you’ll never need to use this exit strategy. But if you ever do, you will be grateful that you had the preparations in place.