Reclaiming Mothers Day

I remember all the advice, all those well meaning people that made offhand comments through the years. I remember being told that I’d understand how hard it is to be a parent when I became a parent myself. I was told that I would appreciate all those parenting choices my own Mother had to make when I had to start making them for my own children and I was told that you only get one Mum – as if it was the most meaningful phrase in the world.

Mothers Day is a day that brings me mixed emotions. I haven’t sent a Mothers Day card in over ten years and now I am numb to it – and have zero inclination to buy one let alone send it. I remember those Mothers Days of my childhood – making a card or sometimes buying one. My Dad buying a gift on his way home from work and giving it to me in secret to wrap. I remember going out for lunch or a walk in the forest. I remember such lovely days, celebrating my wonderful Mum.

But then I remember the years after I got kicked out of home, the years of heartache and trying to salvage a relationship that had sadly already perished beyond repair. Literally five years of trying, and failing, to make things work.

One of the last things I remember from that time is taking my Mother to a local Harvester for a Mothers Day lunch. I’d learnt to drive and the Harvester was where I’d spent my sixteenth and eighteenth birthdays as well as many others when I was younger.

The meal was difficult, the conversation was stilted but I remember clearly the lamb and new potatoes that I had for lunch. It should have been a lovely meal but we were like strangers meeting for the first time. That Harvester closed in 2007 which shows how long ago that was.

Each year I have felt such mixed emotions about Mothers Day. I have felt such nostalgic appreciation of the childhood and Mother I had. The one that gave birth to me in 1984, cared for me and taught me so much. I wrote a letter of thanks on Mothers Day two years ago for those reasons and more.

But then I feel such sadness at the way our relationship turned out which I tried to put into words in my Motherhood post. I haven’t written much since then about our issues but I have thought about it, and spoken about it at length outside of the blog too.

You only get one Mum but sadly mine didn’t want to know when I asked her if we could put the past behind us when I moved away from the area I grew up in. She wished me luck when I told her I was pregnant and she sent me an abhorrent text message three months after having LP hoping that LP would one day not want me at her wedding – as my own Mother had chosen not to come to mine.

Since then I have had occasional Happy Birthday texts and even an a couple of unexpected – and unwelcome – emails fairly recently. But the question that I keep getting asked is, as far as my Mother is concerned, what does the future hold?

Realistically, nothing more than it holds now.

Mothers Day for me is about the children and our family life. It’s a time when I reflect on all that I have and you really do only get one Mum. I want my children to love me for who I am and remember all the happy times we have had together, all the lessons I have tried to teach them in life. I want the children to love me like I loved my own Mum when I was a child but for that love to carry on way into adulthood. I want to earn that love and deserve it, never taking it for granted.

Now, as a mother I do understand how hard it is to be a parent and I do appreciate all those parenting choices my own Mother had to make. Some of which meant that our journey in life had to take us along different paths, ones that are not set to ever cross again.

My job as a parent is to protect and nurture my children, to teach them, to care for them and to guide them to the point where they can experience life for themselves, to go and have their own adventures, make their own choices and create their own paths. I hope that I pass on to them the best parts of my own experiences and save them from the bad bits, that I don’t add too many negatives of my own and that they grow to be the confident, independent people I am already starting to see them become.

Mothers Day is an opportunity to reflect, to thank and to move on. This is the last year I dwell on the years that have already been. I have apologised, I have thanked and I have come to terms with the past. The future is what we make of it and I am now reclaiming Mothers Day as my day. My day to spend with my beautiful family, a day to make memories, to appreciate each other and to love each other just that little bit harder.

Whatever you are doing, wherever you are and whoever you are with – enjoy it. Life isn’t about what has been, the ifs, buts or maybes. It’s about appreciating what you have right now and being present for as long as you can. Happy Mothers Day everyone.

_67B8386 (2)

Share:

11 Comments

  1. March 6, 2016 / 7:10 am

    You are a fantastic Mum, D, and your children clearly love you to the stars and back. I see no reason for that not to continue for the rest of your lives. I hope you have a lovely day being treated by your family xxx

  2. March 6, 2016 / 7:30 am

    The future sounds a happier more positive one. You have two brilliant little people who will take back the day and make it happy again xx

  3. March 6, 2016 / 7:45 am

    Wow, what a mixture of emotions I had reading this post Donna. I’m pleased you are reclaiming mothers day, because you should. Just from reading your blog I can tell you are a great mummy to your little ones and you deserve to be celebrated on this day. Enjoy today x

  4. March 6, 2016 / 8:14 am

    Sending lots of love. It took for me to have my own kids and understand a mothers love to realise my own had no motherly instinct and loves no one but herself. I have always been jealous of the relationships my friends have with their mums and I hate seeing pictures on fb with quotes about Mums and how they are your best friends or that no one will love you as much as your mum because sadly that isn’t true for everyone. As far as my Mum is concerned I was the worst mistake she ever made. I am so so glad that I am the total opposite of her though and I have an amazing relationship with my kids and I am proud of every single thing they do.

    Here is to us Mums who learn from the mistakes of our own and use the strength to pour love into our own children!

    (Wow sorry for the rant, maybe I should have blogged that lol)

  5. March 6, 2016 / 8:36 am

    Great post. I know about some of the problems you’ve had with your relationship with your mum. Reading this and your other posts about her always makes me admire the way you still appreciate what she did for you in your childhood and the great upbringing you had. I think that appreciating that despite the things you went through in later years and the relationship you have now shows great maturity. It certainly sounds like you are an amazing mum yourself and your little people are so lucky to have you. Happy mother’s day.xx

  6. March 6, 2016 / 9:00 am

    I love that you are reclaiming Mother’s Day, I bet that your adorable children spoil you and give you a lovely day to remember. Xx

  7. Lynne D
    March 6, 2016 / 10:12 am

    Happy Mother’s Day Donna. Hope you have a lovely day with your fantastic family. Had no idea you had issues with your own mom. You are such a positive person & so family orientated & deserve all the Mother’s Day cuddles I am sure you will receive today xx

  8. March 6, 2016 / 10:31 am

    Those who get to enjoy Mother’s Day from both sides, don’t know how lucky there are. Quash those dark feelings from one side though D, in the knowledge that as a Mother yourself you are everything. Your Motherhood outshines the past and it’s all yours to enjoy with your special people xx

  9. March 6, 2016 / 2:38 pm

    Donna, I have a tense relationship with my mother and always feel so jealous at Mother’s Day when people gush over their mothers. One day I will write about it, but I am not sure how to put it all into words. For now, I just try and be a good mother and have the kind of mother-child relationship that I would have loved to have. xx

  10. March 6, 2016 / 9:50 pm

    Whilst I’m slowly making peace with it, I have similar feelings for Father’s Day. I’m so glad you’ve decided to reclaim Mothers Day for yourself. You have a gorgeous family and from everything I’ve read here, you appear to be a great Mum and you deserve to be happy x

  11. March 7, 2016 / 8:06 pm

    You have been through such a lot and I am so glad you can now move on and enjoy the day x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.