How Can We Carefully Build Boundaries Without Destroying Ties?

*This is a collaborative guest post

Craving connection and being loved, understood — all of this is human. We want to be around others and have them approve of us; we are ready to work for this. To be a part of society, family, couple, and so on, you have to sacrifice something and let others in. After all, you can’t invite people if the door to your heart is closed. 

We don’t always know how to draw the line between helping others and giving up our own peace of mind. One of the hardest skills is learning how to set boundaries while keeping people you love. And yet, they can be a potent marker for maturity. 

Today, we will explore the boundaries that allow us to communicate our needs while maintaining our connections. 

Boundaries: What They Are and What They Aren’t

Let’s take a peek at what boundaries are. As the American Psychological Association puts it, it is “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group.” Simply put, it’s a personal guideline that defines what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with and how you expect to be treated. 

Boundaries work in romantic relationships, work or academic environments, friendships, and families. They can be needed for a parent learning about ADHD symptoms in kids and how to help them, or for a couple who wants to set their routines. They serve as specific protective landmarks highlighting someone’s behaviors that fit or violate a person’s comfort. They are a framework for our relationships. 

Many people still believe that boundaries are something bad and exist only to spite them. Here are sharp but, in a way, gentle truths about boundaries: 

1. Boundaries aren’t punishments. Setting a boundary is not about withdrawing love or teaching someone a lesson. It’s just that the person who had a different requirement before has finally recognized their needs and starts to pay attention to them.

2. They aren’t about weakness. Some, especially those who “don’t believe in mental health,” can suggest that boundaries are just a fancy name for a person’s inability to do something. In reality, setting a boundary and adhering to it is difficult. Plus, it’s inspiring because it signals that a person is trying to protect themselves.

3. They are not universal. What works for you shouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being aware of this can save you from a lot of conflicts with others and unfair expectations.

Gentle but Firm Boundaries: The First Key Strategy

If you typically imagine setting a boundary as if you’re yelling your heart out all the while running away (or worse yet, pursuing the poor victim), it’s time to challenge that belief. There’s nothing confrontational about setting a boundary. Here’s how to deliver your message softly to make sure others hear you. 

Use “I” Statements

Boundaries are about us. So when we formulate our needs, we shouldn’t talk about another person. For instance, the phrase “You always go to the kitchen and leave the dishes for me to wash in the evenings” sounds aggressive and pressuring. It encroaches on the other person’s space. Go the other route — when “I” is a part of your sentence, you just state the references. 

For example:

Instead of “You don’t wash the dishes.”

Try: “I feel sad when I return from work in the evening and find them in the sink. It demoralizes me.”

Such a swift change helps an individual move from feeling attacked to just being aware of a new angle of oneself. 

Be Specific

Boundaries work best when others can understand what you mean by them. When we say “Don’t contact me when I’m busy,” we do a disservice to ourselves and others by being vague. Instead, let’s do something else: tell others, “I will be busy from 7 to 10 PM, please do not interrupt my working processes then.”

This gives others a better understanding of your needs, and they can work with that much more clearly. 

Stay Calm, Don’t Apologize

These two principles are central when you start building your boundaries with others. While boundaries are never about being rude, we can fall into this behavior when stressed. As noted on techtimes.com, trying not to lose your temper and not sounding cruel is key. At the same time, do not apologize — whenever others hear that we apologize for having a boundary, they might treat your limits as insignificant.

Use the Language They Understand

Sometimes, we use wording that not everyone gets. For example, if our family is more old-school than we’d like to be, they might not understand why we use the word “boundaries” and think it’s “modern nonsense.” Use alternative words, such as organization or priorities — these still make the point clear but demonstrate your goals in a more understandable manner.

The Scary Part: How to Handle Pushback and Misunderstanding?

The scariest part about boundaries is rejection and other people being rude to us. Many people don’t respond well to us changing something in our routines and relationships. Some just have a normal reaction that stems from a misunderstanding of why things have changed. Others, however, may be uncomfortable with us not doing something that benefited them before. These are some strategies that can help you out. 

Be Prepared for Some Discomfort

When someone is used to having full access to your time, energy, or emotions, a new boundary can feel like a loss. Even if nothing directly affects them, they may simply disagree with how you manage your resources. Expect it and adjust your mental barriers and protective strategies in advance. 

Leave Space for Follow-Up Conversations

Boundaries are like a mechanism that needs adjusting before they fit exactly as required. You will need several conversations with those affected by the new limits and expectations to ensure they don’t take it the wrong way. If the relationship is important to you and the person seems genuinely confused (not manipulative), try to explore the misunderstanding together. Explain that you are making these changes because you try to take better care of yourself, not to spite or hurt them.

Let Go If They Hurt You

Although most relationships improve once both sides accept the boundaries in place, some may go past the point of no return. If the other person reacts negatively and doesn’t seem to accept such a change, remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to take care of their mental state. Maintaining distance (or even cutting ties) might be the healthiest choice in those cases.

Buckle Up

We aren’t going to lie: setting boundaries isn’t just difficult; it can be unpleasant and painful. But hey, that’s the thing with growth and healing, right? The first few steps are tough. But you are tougher. On the other side of this path, you’ll see a happier you, surrounded by people who stuck around. Don’t let the struggles scare you; let them nudge you to where you want to be.