I’ve realised recently that my weight, and my diet, is very much a reflection of the mood I’m in, how I’m feeling and how life is at that moment. There never seems to be a ‘happy medium’ for me, instead my weight – and diet – seem to fluctuate as the years and months go by.
When I left home there were times when I couldn’t afford to eat regularly at all. There were also times where I would spend money on a night out, purely drinking, without even giving food a second thought.
There have also been times I’ve eaten to excess, when I’ve been comfortable in life and content. Where I’ve eaten three course meals at restaurants a few times a week, where I’ve had McDonalds twice – maybe even three times – in one day, times where I’ve been to the cinema and had more popcorn and sweets than I really should have and times where I’ve sat in front of the TV in the evening, eating crisps and chocolate purely because it’s there.
On my wedding day I was about two stone heavier than I am now. I was probably quite heavy for my height but I was happy – and I was content enough in my skin that no amount of legs, bums and tums classes before the wedding could stop me also eating the amount of food I was used to eating. So I was happily me on my wedding day.
My weight actually stayed pretty consistent then until I was pregnant with LP – 18 months later. At that point, when we went to the midwife for our booking in appointment I was weighed and very nearly had to have the glucose tolerance test as my BMI was over 30 – until I took my jeans off, and it took me just below the limit.
But, during pregnancy I ate for two. I actually probably ate for four. I felt it was the only time in life I could eat without feeling guilty. And so, the day after LP was born I weighed 14st 10 and I was pretty disgusted with myself. I joined Weight Watchers, made healthier choices where food was concerned and I got down to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 10st 10 just before I found out I was pregnant with Little Man.
After Little Man was born I didn’t weigh nearly as much as I had with LP but I was still a couple of stone heavier than I was before. I lost the weight easier but stayed pretty much 11st for what felt like years. It was a comfortable weight and I could maintain it easily.
But then I realised I wanted to be happier in a bikini. I wanted to be fitter and healthier. I started using SlimFast and it was a revelation to me. I could drink two milkshakes a day, still have dinner and lose weight. But, it didn’t fix my health – purely my weight.
I joined a gym for the first time a couple of years ago and so much changed. I got healthier, I lost weight naturally and toned up. But then I got complacent. I ate more, had less time for the gym with my work situation changing and I just got comfortable again.
But, recently I’ve lost a lot of weight – about 9lb in two weeks. And that is purely down to my head and my lifestyle. When I’m busy I forget to eat, when I’m unhappy I just don’t eat and I find I can completely switch off where food is concerned – unless someone physically puts food in front of me. But this isn’t good for me at all.
I’ve realised as well that regardless of whether I weigh 12 stone or 9 stone, I won’t ever be happy unless I’m healthier. I need to be fitter, more active and eating regularly to actually be healthier and then be happier.
So today I am taking back control of my eating, my emotions and my health. I’ve been back at the gym for a week or so now and I’m really enjoying it and I know that when I’m going to the gym I need to eat regularly – and I need to eat the right things. I’ve signed back up to Spin classes from tonight too and I love having this routine in my life. Plus, I find running, rowing or any other kind of exercise really gives me the time to empty my head and just be for a while.
I’ve been contemplating talking to someone about my weight and food related issues and a service like BetterHelp could be just the thing. If you’re going through similar at the moment talking to someone could really help.
I’m now at what is seen as a healthy weight for my height and so dieting isn’t something I really care about – the gym is purely to give me something to focus on, help me get fitter and to tone up. Then, maybe I will be in a nice healthy eating, healthy lifestyle routine that I can maintain and be happy with.
But, whatever happens, this emotional relationship with food and my weight really needs to stop. It’s really not good for me at all – my health is much more important. And I think that if I’m physically healthier, I’ll be mentally healthier, and happier, too.