My Emotional Relationship with my Weight and Food

I’ve realised recently that my weight, and my diet, is very much a reflection of the mood I’m in, how I’m feeling and how life is at that moment. There never seems to be a ‘happy medium’ for me, instead my weight – and diet – seem to fluctuate as the years and months go by.

When I left home there were times when I couldn’t afford to eat regularly at all. There were also times where I would spend money on a night out, purely drinking, without even giving food a second thought.

There have also been times I’ve eaten to excess, when I’ve been comfortable in life and content. Where I’ve eaten three course meals at restaurants a few times a week, where I’ve had McDonalds twice – maybe even three times – in one day, times where I’ve been to the cinema and had more popcorn and sweets than I really should have and times where I’ve sat in front of the TV in the evening, eating crisps and chocolate purely because it’s there.

On my wedding day I was about two stone heavier than I am now. I was probably quite heavy for my height but I was happy – and I was content enough in my skin that no amount of legs, bums and tums classes before the wedding could stop me also eating the amount of food I was used to eating. So I was happily me on my wedding day.

My weight actually stayed pretty consistent then until I was pregnant with LP – 18 months later. At that point, when we went to the midwife for our booking in appointment I was weighed and very nearly had to have the glucose tolerance test as my BMI was over 30 – until I took my jeans off, and it took me just below the limit.

But, during pregnancy I ate for two. I actually probably ate for four. I felt it was the only time in life I could eat without feeling guilty. And so, the day after LP was born I weighed 14st 10 and I was pretty disgusted with myself. I joined Weight Watchers, made healthier choices where food was concerned and I got down to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 10st 10 just before I found out I was pregnant with Little Man.

After Little Man was born I didn’t weigh nearly as much as I had with LP but I was still a couple of stone heavier than I was before. I lost the weight easier but stayed pretty much 11st for what felt like years. It was a comfortable weight and I could maintain it easily.

But then I realised I wanted to be happier in a bikini. I wanted to be fitter and healthier. I started using SlimFast and it was a revelation to me. I could drink two milkshakes a day, still have dinner and lose weight. But, it didn’t fix my health – purely my weight.

I joined a gym for the first time a couple of years ago and so much changed. I got healthier, I lost weight naturally and toned up. But then I got complacent. I ate more, had less time for the gym with my work situation changing and I just got comfortable again.

But, recently I’ve lost a lot of weight – about 9lb in two weeks. And that is purely down to my head and my lifestyle. When I’m busy I forget to eat, when I’m unhappy I just don’t eat and I find I can completely switch off where food is concerned – unless someone physically puts food in front of me. But this isn’t good for me at all.

I’ve realised as well that regardless of whether I weigh 12 stone or 9 stone, I won’t ever be happy unless I’m healthier. I need to be fitter, more active and eating regularly to actually be healthier and then be happier.

So today I am taking back control of my eating, my emotions and my health. I’ve been back at the gym for a week or so now and I’m really enjoying it and I know that when I’m going to the gym I need to eat regularly – and I need to eat the right things. I’ve signed back up to Spin classes from tonight too and I love having this routine in my life. Plus, I find running, rowing or any other kind of exercise really gives me the time to empty my head and just be for a while.

I’m now at what is seen as a healthy weight for my height and so dieting isn’t something I really care about – the gym is purely to give me something to focus on, help me get fitter and to tone up. Then, maybe I will be in a nice healthy eating, healthy lifestyle routine that I can maintain and be happy with.

But, whatever happens, this emotional relationship with food and my weight really needs to stop. It’s really not good for me at all – my health is much more important. And I think that if I’m physically healthier, I’ll be mentally healthier, and happier, too.

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3 Comments

  1. April 25, 2018 / 1:44 pm

    Good for you for getting back to the gym. I started a fitness routine last week – I’m now on week two {it’s not a diet!} and I feel great. Sore and achy which is fine but where I would otherwise feel fatigued and generally ‘meh’ I feel energetic and pumped. I love it. If anything will spur me on to keep going, it’s more feeling like that, please!

  2. April 25, 2018 / 2:07 pm

    Oh I’m just the same, so difficult isn’t it? Well done for taking control and sorting things out. I’m trying to do that too but from a perspective of needing to lose some weight, I’m actually pretty healthy from a fitness point of view right now, having upped my exercise level a lot over the past fortnight and I feel so much better for it, better than I’ve felt in a long time.
    Nat.x

  3. April 26, 2018 / 9:46 pm

    Well done for getting back to it lovely. I’ve just started weight watchers for the same reasons. I dont really need to lose much, but I do need to eat better and having that accountability there is making it much easier. I am desperate to get to a gym – it’s not something I can do right now and I know that if I did a hard-core workout at home in the evening, it would jusy wake Oscar up! As soon as I am able to get someone else to settle him and him not wake up in an evening needing boob…I’ll be off to do some exercise somewhere! It definitely makes me feel better in all ways.

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