Last Sunday was Father’s Day. There are three people in my life now who I think about on Father’s Day so I thought I would ‘write to’ each of them on here to get my feelings on paper.
Dear Bio Dad,
You were in my life very briefly when I was born and have only been back in my life since I was 17. The last 10 years have been difficult between us – there are no bad feelings or negativity, it’s just very hard to get a bond with someone who I hardly know. I have seen you a couple of times a year since I got back in contact with you but I am glad that these visits have increased since LP arrived.
You haven’t been a Dad to me. You fathered me, yes. But you definitely weren’t a Dad. I know that my Mother wrote to you once a year to give you updates on me and send a photo but I think these fizzled out when I was about 12. You weren’t there when I started walking, started talking. You weren’t there when I needed an operation on my eye when I was 2, or when I got glasses aged 3. You weren’t there when I learnt to ride a bike, or when I was bullied at school. You didn’t meet my school friends or take me to the Sunday morning cinema. You weren’t a Dad to me at all because you weren’t there.
Since I was 17 you have been a part of my life, but still not a Dad. I think in your way you have tried. You gave me the deposit and first month’s rent on a houseshare when I got kicked out of home. You’ve sent me money and a card for every birthday and Christmas since. But it is very hard to get back those 17 years you missed out. I say you missed out on them because I had a Dad. I didn’t ‘miss’ anything. You are the one who now, 27 years on, still only has one child, whose formative years you have missed. You didn’t see your only child grow up, you missed out. I think you realised this most when I got married 3 years ago and wanted my ‘Dad’ to give me away. We decided it was best if you didn’t come to the wedding.
Even though you haven’t been a Dad to me, you are still a part of my life, and I have a place in my life for you. I don’t think I love you. I still don’t know you well enough to love you. But I’m getting to know you better all the time. I know that you will be a great Grandfather to LP, you will spoil her, play with her and make time for her when you can. I never want to stop you having that bond with her, I am hoping that through her you get some of what you missed out on with me, back again.
You and your wife came to visit us on Saturday and it was obvious how much you adore LP. She will never do anything wrong in your eyes and you love her greatly. It is really nice to see. LP will grow up knowing that you are her Grandparents. One set of many! You are the Grandparents that we won’t see every week, but we will spend a long weekend or a week with every few months. I am looking forward to that time as LP gets bigger and she gets to appreciate this once broken, now working, extended family that we are all a part of.
Happy Father’s Day ‘Dad’. I find it hard to call you that, so I tend to not call you by anything to your face – just start talking, or talk to your wife until you naturally join the conversation. When I’m talking about you to other people I call you by your Christian name or refer to you as ‘Bio-Dad’. You don’t know this, but it’s easier for me that way. You’re not my ‘Dad’, but I do care about you, and there is a place here for you. I just cannot, yet, and don’t think I will ever be able to put you into that box labelled ‘Dad’. But I’m glad you are now part of my life, I am glad that the past is the past, and the future is looking more appealing every step of the way.
With love, on Father’s Day,
I’ve always called you ‘Dads’, not Dad. I think subconsciously, this was my mind telling me that I had ‘Dads’ plural. It’s stuck though and I always write Dads on cards and say it when I speak to you.
You’ve been a part of my life forever. Through all the bad times with my Mum you were my constant. The one person I could rely on. You taught me how to ride my bike, went to my school every time I was bullied, you helped with my homework and taught me algebra and trigonometry. You taught me a love of gardening, of making things grow with my two little green-fingered hands, and you took me camping every year to the New Forest.
My childhood memory is full to bursting with good times and things we did together. To anyone looking in, they would have thought you were my Dad. There was no reason to question it. We’ve even had comments before that we look similar and that my little Brothers and Sister that you have with your new partner, look like me. Impossible, but it’s lovely to hear. Everyone sees you as my Dad and that is who you are, and who you always will be. My Dads.
Now that LP is here, and we’ve moved 30 miles away, we don’t see you as often, every few weeks. but we talk every week or so. You have a lot going on in your life now, and three small children to take care of. I know that the time we have together isn’t as much and also isn’t the same quality that it was when I was younger, but that is the way life goes. Even if we don’t have as much fun as we used to, even if there are constant distractions and life gets in the way, I know that you are always there for me, that you know me better than most people, and that you’d do as much as you could for me. Thanks Dads.
LP is your first Grandchild. A Grandad at 47! I hope that LP grows up to know you as well as I know you, so that she sees what a great man my Dad is. A man who took on a woman and her three children when he was 22. A man who put up with so much to stay in his Daughter’s life, even though it would have been so much easier to walk away. I am always thankful that you were consistent. That you fought to be part of my life. I cannot imagine you not being around.
Thanks for everything Dads.
With love on Father’s Day and always,
This is your 1st Father’s Day. The first of many!
You have always been my best friend and the best Husband I could ask for. You have always worked hard to help us achieve the goals that we set ourselves – marriage, houses, children. You are honest, reliable and predictable. You make my life so much easier just by being a part of it. You make me laugh every day, and on the rare occasions that I’m sad you make me smile easily. You have an amazing, boyish sense of humour, and you find daft things funny – when you watch TV and laugh out loud at things, things that I don’t understand, or that just aren’t really that funny, your laughter sets me off. I love to hear you laugh.
LP’s personality is coming through already, and she definitely has your sense of humour – laughing at everything! I hope that as she gets older she takes after you in many more ways – she’ll grow up to be strong, respected, looked up to. She’ll enjoy herself but also do the right thing in everything. She’ll have ambition, work hard and be a good person. She’ll be like her Daddy.
LP loves you incredibly, her face lights up when you’re in the room. Seeing her first smile when you’ve been at work all day is amazing, she beams at her Daddy! I love seeing you both play together and it’s lovely seeing you be the Daddy that I always knew you’d be. You were born for that job!
Thanks for being you and thank you for giving me LP. Without you, I wouldn’t have her. I love our perfect little family and really appreciate our roles within it.
Happy 1st Father’s Day Daddy!
Donna aka Mummy